LOUD SECRETS

Dear secret,

                     You whispered yourself in my ear today and I felt my heart stop. I managed not to think of you today but you didn’t keep our deal. You betrayed me and left me gasping for air. I wish he knew but what good would that do. We could never make it. I should’ve let you loose a long time ago but I didn’t think he’d feel the same. I couldn’t tell. And then I left. Then I dissappeared leaving you with no trace of my footsteps. Leaving you untold. But when I found him, oh god it took 7 years to find HIM but when I did I felt the heavens merge with hell. Everything just came together and he was there staring me in the face. And you weighed down on me threatening to pop my heart seams that I managed to snap back into place after they were torn. It would make things weird if I revealed you right? And even if I did nothing would change. I guess I’ll just leave you to linger in my ears until they became so infected I won’t hear the echo penetrate. I can’t hear you. It hurts too much. You hurt too much.

 

EQUILIBRIUM

Dear Balance,

I haven’t found you and that’s left me teetering. Spilling over the bar with my feet pulling me down. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back up again. Between family, friends, school, directing a show and relaxing, writing has been pushed back. Whenever I have time to write, I find my eyes closing, pulling me into a restless sleep. Whenever I don’t have time, I find myself daydreaming about what I’ll write when I do. How do I allow you back in? How do I let you invade my body and keep me afloat? Will you ever wrap me up and suffocate me in your warmth? Will you ever allow me to breathe you?……

 

SO LET IT CATCH ME

Cutting out the memories is harder than I thought. I thought I could just scrape them away and that would be it, I could keep on walking. But they grabbed at me with an iron ball, making my ankles bleed. I stopped to look around, to see if someone next to me could rub the past away. To see if someone could squeeze the thoughts through my eyes and burn them. To see if their presence could make me forget, but all it did was make me vomit the memories back up, eating my neck away…It was a mistake and now it won’t be forgotten. It can’t be left behind. It will haunt me, playing archery with my heart as it’s target. It will suffocate me and take me under. Maybe I deserve to drown. Maybe I deserve to feel this regret take residence in my heart. I accept it now. I accept the pain. Maybe someday it will subside. But for right now all I know is that I’ll be rubbing my eyes everyday to wake up and escape the memories. Regret keeps running after me and I know I deserve it so i’ll let it chase me until I fall. So I’ll let it catch me….

 

JAMBERY’S ENTREATY

Jambery’s entreaty is set in the year of 3012, a time of fear among different corners of the nation. There are 15 nations that the world has split into and each nation is ruled by a different race who believes theirs is superior. Jambery’s nation is called blood stitches, one of the worst nations to live in if you are not of royalty there, or the “superior race.” Jambery is entreating her sister Anathema in the chambers of their castle to understand the sin she has committed regarding her boyfriend Matthew who has died, and the inferior races as well. She responds in agony to Anathema’s evil response about how she hated Matthew and took part in his killing.

Jambery:         The broken shards of withered memories tore my feet to pieces. The stitches of blood woven into the night sky cut my heart through all its creases. I screamed but no one heard the sound. Maybe my heart beat was too loud. You saw me vomit my skin away and yet you stood there to my dismay! You knew I loved him with all my heart, didn’t matter the color of his skin. And still you couldn’t accept him for who he was, but you see now, it doesn’t matter you win… Now Matthew’s gone and you jump for joy even though you knew I loved that boy. You became a black swan in your hate and rage. It’s the year 3012 and you still have not aged. Your immaturity laughs at you in the mirror, fogging it so you cannot see. 101 years ago they wouldn’t have been dealt this card, but the Cain in you absorbed you mercilessly. We play golf now with their dead body parts. Feeding them rats, with no souls and no hearts. We lock them in cages, hunt them down for sport. I used to enjoy things of this sort. But it’s sick and insane what we do. Yet when the curtain opens we take our bow. I wish years ago people rooted hate out their hearts. If I could only rewind time somehow…There just like us, no difference at all. It’s our ignorance that makes them look so small. Matthew loved this whole family, it’s true. And yet while he’s dead you still hate him, I feel sorry for you! We speak in rhyme now to get out emotions out yet we treat them lower than dirt. Hate is what our hearts shout. ..Your sin has caused your own demise for thinking that you were superior in your own eyes. You’re my sister, but you cut me off, I am no longer whole. All I pray now is that God have mercy on your soul.

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This is a monologue I had wrote in acting class. It was fun to write and I was thinking about turning it into a novel but I don’t think I’m ready for that. Should I work on a simple novel instead or pursue this one??

 

CRAWLING FROM YOU

If I kissed you hard enough

Would I feel your heart pump in my throat?

If I gave you permission to touch me there,

Would I make you happy?

This pressure weighs down on me,

haunting my dreams at night.

It laughs at me in the mirror

fogging up my sight.

I tried to slay it by its crinkled slithering tongue

But you just let it go deeper inside

I know your hungry,even starved

But I won’t let you bite at me,

Trust me, I’ve tried.

I feel your stare threatening me,

stabbing me all over.

I try to crawl away from you,

but you always catch me.

My ear is stabbed with your rotten sayings,

scaring me on this bare floor,

My ankle and knees feel scraped and slit,

as I reach to open the door.

You tear me back with just one hand,

making me sick once more.

Fear scratches at my insides,

crushing my already damaged core.

Do you think it will make us closer,

Stitching our threaded hearts into one?

Do you think it’ll make you feel better,

making you think you’ve won?

What you don’t know is that I lose,

whether I give in or not.

I lose your heart, something you gave me from the start,

And then we’ll be forever torn apart.

There’s another reason as well,

why I can’t give myself over to you,

there’s a blood stain from my past,

contradicting all I thought was true.

“He devoured me from top to bottom,

spitting me out in slippery guilt.

Chewing at pieces I didn’t think existed,

until all I could do was wilt.”

I practiced telling u so many times,

But I don’t think you will care.

Maybe that shows that we shouldn’t be together,

but I can’t give you up, I wouldn’t dare.

I can’t fight this forever,

maybe if I stop the bloodstain won’t bleed,

prepare me and drown me in your love,

I won’t mind the bruises on my body, arm or sleeve,

after it’s over, all I ask is that you please don’t leave.

Alanna Miller

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I wrote this to express the struggle that certain girls go through at a time with their boyfriends when more is demanded from them and how a damaged past on her part can affect the struggle and choice and how the pressure isn’t enough to make them not want him.

 

I FOUND IT

Dear Inspiration,

   YOU hadn’t hit me in a while. We used to have a great relationship and then you just left me. I tried to search for you. I tried to hold on to you but you kept fleeing from me. I tried to grasp you tight but it was like you suddenly transformed into wind on a summer day. You suddenly became a dark hallway, blocking my way to the light. I thought you were gone forever. I thought you gave up on me. Just when I had you, you ran from me again…But today…you popped back up. Today, you came back to me. You visited me through Alex Kotlowitz and his words. I cried after you came back because I knew I could continue. I knew I could keep writing. I need to keep writing. His book there are no children here changed my thinking. I made friends and enemies within his pages at the same time. I dived into his web with cinder block walls on each side, caging me like a beast while his words engulfed my journey. Should I describe to you the despair I felt that it was over? Should I describe to you the happiness I felt that I was out of the nightmare? Should I describe to you the joy I felt being drowned with the character’s happiness in some moments?..No, I will not. I shall not, for fear that you won’t come again. I can handle you. I will take your visits and invite you in. You don’t have to be scared that I’ll be too sensitive to enjoy you. I promise I will make the most of your visits. And when you leave to visit someone else, I promise I won’t forget you. I will be awaiting your return, building my own thought blocks up in my maze. My own nightmares and dreams. My own fears, sorrow and happiness. Don’t worry about me. I can’t let you go now. For the first time in a long time I can say the 3 words I thought would never echo again in my mind…I FOUND IT! =)

Sincerely,

Thankful

 

I loved the way you held me

And made all my dreams come true

When disquieting thoughts lingered

You let out your heart to me and I to you.

I loved the way you’d tell me

That everything would be alright

That we would never give up our love

But defend it in a raid, war, or fight.

I loved the way you’d sacrifice

Your time to share with me

And when I felt like giving up

You let me cry in your arms helplessly.

I loved the way you’d walk

And talk about the past

The good times we had shared

That would somehow forever last.

But then I look beside me

And your not lying there

I know not where you’ve gone

Because I breathe contaminated air.

My yearning for you is deep

The scars, bruises and holes

Why do I feel so empty

Should I cast away my own soul?

I feel like I’ve been shipwrecked

On an island left alone

No place to turn or run to

I no longer have a home.

Just how exactly did we lose it?

I don’t think I’ll understand

But I’ll remember our love and her smile

That took away my love, my sun, my one true man.

-Alanna Miller

I know it’s not as good as other writers and their work. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I’ve never been good at capturing the depth that I feel in my poems. It’s always easier for me to do it in my novels. But oh well, I tried. lol =)

 

 

LONELINESS

Dear Loneliness,

TODAY I woke up feeling so weak and frail. I could hardly walk. I wet my face with my hands and stood looking at the mirror, figuring out a way to say goodbye to you. We’ve know each other for so long and you’ve always been there. I’ve been trying to bottle you up and send you away but it’s so hard. I wish I could understand the reason why you visit me so often but I never know why…I think today I figured it out. I haven’t been breathing. lol. You probably think that sounds weird. Let me explain. I haven’t been breathing, meaning, I haven’t been writing. I haven’t written in forever. But this morning, I felt the computer sending me a signal. It was almost like it read my mind. I had to get on. I had to write. I turned it on and started with an empty page. I didn’t know what to write at first but it just came out. Like the keyboard already had my thoughts hidden deep down inside of it. Like every nook and cranny of the letters, the R’s and the G’s and C’s just held all my thoughts. I think it choked on them, so it spit them out on paper. I’m so thankful. Now I feel you flying away from me. Becoming just a shadow that I know I can cut down soon. I will cut you down. I won’t let you in my doors or windows anymore. Stay out of my garden, stay out of my thoughts. Your no longer a visitor here, at least, not today you are. I hope you don’t visit anyone else today.

Yours Truly,

         COMPLETENESS

 

BREATHING

DANCING for me is like breathing. I haven’t done it all summer and I can feel the air closing tight around me. I need it so that I can express myself in ways that I can’t with words. I guess that’s why I love writing as well. When i don’t trust my own voice to speak, when it feels too shaky and might be ready to trip over all my thoughts, that’s when i fall back on writing, knowing it won’t make me stumble. I don’t think I’m the only one who feels that way…or at least I hope I’m not lol. This summer has been…hot to say the least. Way too hot but I don’t mind. I read 4 novels in one week. Three which are trilogies and one that’s a saga. They have helped me breathe. I love diving into other characters lives when I need some space from my own. Right now I’m enjoying being out of school. Now with that I know that I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’m loving summer. And i have my dancing, writing and of course the heat to keep me company, to keep me breathing. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. =)