I’m not the only one. I can’t be the only one…lying awake,a sharp pain hits me. I sit up straight and can’t breathe. Last night’s dinner feels stuck in my throat. I can’t even scream to ask for help. I didn’t know why it came back. This feeling creating shadows on my wall, this feeling playing games with my mind, haunting me, making me toss and turn, making sleep forget I need him…this feeling of worthlessness clings to my soul, cradling me back and forth, making my body rock with sobs. I try to push it off of me, to scream to get it from on top of me. But it just lies there. The feeling lies there. I try to pray to make it leave, but the feeling makes it almost impossible. It makes my vision smoky. It fogs up my thoughts, almost making me believe that my prayer won’t reach God. That even the heavens mute my cry to my father. It blocks it, making me believe my best friend doesn’t want to hear from me. Not today. So I sit, head hung low, crying over my leftovers. Wondering what’s wrong with me. Wondering why I never feel good enough. Wondering if anyone notices. Knowing deep down that no one will ever want this. No one will ever want me. And the feeling of worthlessness and sadness goes away, replaced by fear. The fear that I will forever fear this feeling. And I have no comfort. During these times I have no comfort at all-except the knowledge to know that I can’t be the only one.
We met a long time ago under a weeping willow tree,
I sat right beside you and allowed you to comfort me,
The agony was choking me, ripping me apart,
Leaving me breathless,, throwing daggers at my heart,
The ink you let me use to paint myself a face,
Erased all my ugliness, leaving not even a trace
You let me inside your glass filled house where I could see myself,
At first I was scared of my reflection, my unhappiness could not unfrown itself,
But you stitched my heart so well, to where I can breathe again,
All my life I’d been lonely, but in you I finally found a friend,
Soon I lost you through the trees in the forbidden woods,
Dark shadows began to cage me in, chasing away all that was good
I heard you call my name but I ran faster from the sound,
Scared that i will trip if I even try to turn around,
I come to a ledge and look down realizing i ran too far,
If i just turned back to look at you, i wouldn’t haven’t met this straight drop,
Twisting, turning to keep my footing on this ledge that has no bar,
I sit for a thousand years on the ledge waiting for you to come,
The wind whistles, the winters pass, my skin blisters in the sun,
I turn around and realize you are never coming for me,
I stand for the first time in ages and suddenly can’t see,
I take my first step and fall first in the sand,
The ink that you gave me, seeps out, helping me to stand
I feel it drowning me as I move through the leaves,
Rushing, grabbing, holding on to the heart I wear on my sleeve,
Now I am a madman trying to fight my way through,
Through this thicket, this jungle, this forest calling for you,
I’m screaming now, running as fast as can be,
Still feeling your ink tumbling through me,
I’m scraped and bruised all over, my clothes ripped in half,
I know when you see me, immediately you’ll laugh,
I fight off the hooded men that pull me further from you,
They keep yelling, pulling and stabbing saying I don’t have a clue
I block out their insults and gulp down my fear,
Thogh it tears my neck open, threatening to make me disappear,
I get away but meet a sparkling little thing,
It condemns me with its light, looking like a king,
At first I’m frozen thinking there’s no way around
The light is so brilliant that out of all the noises in the woods,
Its the loudest sound
But the light lets me keep moving and brightens up my path,
I keep running but turn around to thank it and let go of once held wrath,
I keep running and see you right before my eyes,
My heart screams out for you, my kidneys twist in size,
The tears begin to overflow and freeze my already crinkled lung,
I feel all the words i want to say rush at me,all the words that were left unsung
At first I think of turning around and forgetting i was here,
But after all I’ve been through, i wouldn’t even dare
But then you just face me with the prettiest smile you’ve ever had,
You open up your arms and I climb in, feeding more than glad
Who is this miraculous man you ask,
That steals my heart and is my task,
This man is known as writing, i lost him for a while,
But I’m happy to say, I’m back.
Writing was my first best friend,
I will never leave again.
You whispered yourself in my ear today and I felt my heart stop. I managed not to think of you today but you didn’t keep our deal. You betrayed me and left me gasping for air. I wish he knew but what good would that do. We could never make it. I should’ve let you loose a long time ago but I didn’t think he’d feel the same. I couldn’t tell. And then I left. Then I dissappeared leaving you with no trace of my footsteps. Leaving you untold. But when I found him, oh god it took 7 years to find HIM but when I did I felt the heavens merge with hell. Everything just came together and he was there staring me in the face. And you weighed down on me threatening to pop my heart seams that I managed to snap back into place after they were torn. It would make things weird if I revealed you right? And even if I did nothing would change. I guess I’ll just leave you to linger in my ears until they became so infected I won’t hear the echo penetrate. I can’t hear you. It hurts too much. You hurt too much.
I haven’t found you and that’s left me teetering. Spilling over the bar with my feet pulling me down. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back up again. Between family, friends, school, directing a show and relaxing, writing has been pushed back. Whenever I have time to write, I find my eyes closing, pulling me into a restless sleep. Whenever I don’t have time, I find myself daydreaming about what I’ll write when I do. How do I allow you back in? How do I let you invade my body and keep me afloat? Will you ever wrap me up and suffocate me in your warmth? Will you ever allow me to breathe you?……
Cutting out the memories is harder than I thought. I thought I could just scrape them away and that would be it, I could keep on walking. But they grabbed at me with an iron ball, making my ankles bleed. I stopped to look around, to see if someone next to me could rub the past away. To see if someone could squeeze the thoughts through my eyes and burn them. To see if their presence could make me forget, but all it did was make me vomit the memories back up, eating my neck away…It was a mistake and now it won’t be forgotten. It can’t be left behind. It will haunt me, playing archery with my heart as it’s target. It will suffocate me and take me under. Maybe I deserve to drown. Maybe I deserve to feel this regret take residence in my heart. I accept it now. I accept the pain. Maybe someday it will subside. But for right now all I know is that I’ll be rubbing my eyes everyday to wake up and escape the memories. Regret keeps running after me and I know I deserve it so i’ll let it chase me until I fall. So I’ll let it catch me….
Jambery’s entreaty is set in the year of 3012, a time of fear among different corners of the nation. There are 15 nations that the world has split into and each nation is ruled by a different race who believes theirs is superior. Jambery’s nation is called blood stitches, one of the worst nations to live in if you are not of royalty there, or the “superior race.” Jambery is entreating her sister Anathema in the chambers of their castle to understand the sin she has committed regarding her boyfriend Matthew who has died, and the inferior races as well. She responds in agony to Anathema’s evil response about how she hated Matthew and took part in his killing.
Jambery: The broken shards of withered memories tore my feet to pieces. The stitches of blood woven into the night sky cut my heart through all its creases. I screamed but no one heard the sound. Maybe my heart beat was too loud. You saw me vomit my skin away and yet you stood there to my dismay! You knew I loved him with all my heart, didn’t matter the color of his skin. And still you couldn’t accept him for who he was, but you see now, it doesn’t matter you win… Now Matthew’s gone and you jump for joy even though you knew I loved that boy. You became a black swan in your hate and rage. It’s the year 3012 and you still have not aged. Your immaturity laughs at you in the mirror, fogging it so you cannot see. 101 years ago they wouldn’t have been dealt this card, but the Cain in you absorbed you mercilessly. We play golf now with their dead body parts. Feeding them rats, with no souls and no hearts. We lock them in cages, hunt them down for sport. I used to enjoy things of this sort. But it’s sick and insane what we do. Yet when the curtain opens we take our bow. I wish years ago people rooted hate out their hearts. If I could only rewind time somehow…There just like us, no difference at all. It’s our ignorance that makes them look so small. Matthew loved this whole family, it’s true. And yet while he’s dead you still hate him, I feel sorry for you! We speak in rhyme now to get out emotions out yet we treat them lower than dirt. Hate is what our hearts shout. ..Your sin has caused your own demise for thinking that you were superior in your own eyes. You’re my sister, but you cut me off, I am no longer whole. All I pray now is that God have mercy on your soul.
This is a monologue I had wrote in acting class. It was fun to write and I was thinking about turning it into a novel but I don’t think I’m ready for that. Should I work on a simple novel instead or pursue this one??
If I kissed you hard enough
Would I feel your heart pump in my throat?
If I gave you permission to touch me there,
Would I make you happy?
This pressure weighs down on me,
haunting my dreams at night.
It laughs at me in the mirror
fogging up my sight.
I tried to slay it by its crinkled slithering tongue
But you just let it go deeper inside
I know your hungry,even starved
But I won’t let you bite at me,
Trust me, I’ve tried.
I feel your stare threatening me,
stabbing me all over.
I try to crawl away from you,
but you always catch me.
My ear is stabbed with your rotten sayings,
scaring me on this bare floor,
My ankle and knees feel scraped and slit,
as I reach to open the door.
You tear me back with just one hand,
making me sick once more.
Fear scratches at my insides,
crushing my already damaged core.
Do you think it will make us closer,
Stitching our threaded hearts into one?
Do you think it’ll make you feel better,
making you think you’ve won?
What you don’t know is that I lose,
whether I give in or not.
I lose your heart, something you gave me from the start,
And then we’ll be forever torn apart.
There’s another reason as well,
why I can’t give myself over to you,
there’s a blood stain from my past,
contradicting all I thought was true.
“He devoured me from top to bottom,
spitting me out in slippery guilt.
Chewing at pieces I didn’t think existed,
until all I could do was wilt.”
I practiced telling u so many times,
But I don’t think you will care.
Maybe that shows that we shouldn’t be together,
but I can’t give you up, I wouldn’t dare.
I can’t fight this forever,
maybe if I stop the bloodstain won’t bleed,
prepare me and drown me in your love,
I won’t mind the bruises on my body, arm or sleeve,
after it’s over, all I ask is that you please don’t leave.
I wrote this to express the struggle that certain girls go through at a time with their boyfriends when more is demanded from them and how a damaged past on her part can affect the struggle and choice and how the pressure isn’t enough to make them not want him.